How can we be more welcoming to people in the Catholic community? This is something I've thought about more recently because I think in a lot of ways, people with potentially good intentions can veer off into become unwelcoming to outsiders or even people who have been part of a group.
I've been involved in a group / groups of Catholics for quite some times with varying levels of involvement. I'm kind of known for not making frequent appearances and I'm at the point where those infrequent showings may become non-existent. I just don't feel I belong to the group.
In my experience, what ended up happening is that people have progressed in their lives and there is an implicit underlying idea that to really be part of the group you have to have certain qualifications. The group I am familiar with in my area is composed mainly of people in their 20s and 40s, so they are relatively young when it comes to Catholic groups. Many of those who are involved in a lot of activities and have a lot of friends share many things in common. One is having a large number of children. Others include women having a very traditional role, being involved in conversions of others, prayer life, etc. They seem to appear to have everything under control.
These things are amazing and beautiful and I would never discourage anyone from seeking those things. Our society needs them more than ever. But many people do not fit the mold.
People come from all kinds of different situations and all kinds of different lives. Nobody is a cookie cutter of the other person. We don't know where somebody might be in their spiritual journey or their journey of Catholicism. For example, someone may become interested in joining the church in their 60s. Other people have led lives of licentiousness for many years and perhaps don't have things together very well. Others may be very interested in Catholicism but perhaps struggle with many different vices and addictions and find it difficult to live a virtuous life. There are yet others who, although they are attracted in some way to the Catholic faith, have a great deal of difficulty in accepting many of the teachings. It could be that they're steeped in modern-day thinking and they find it hard to reconcile Catholic beliefs to some of the modernism that they have been exposed to their entire lives.
A lot of these people would not easily be accepted. There's an implicit idea that in order to be a part of the "real group" a person must implicitly accept all of these things without question and must go 100% in their pursuit of these things. But even beyond that there are many people who are in situations which perhaps they do not want to be in but because of various life circumstances it has been forced upon them. Yet I believe that many people see these things and immediately start to judge them.
Something that my wife and I have thought of and I've heard others say as well is that sometimes this judgment is masked in a pseudo-compassion or understanding. For example they will point out a major flaw or issue that somebody has or is undergoing and they will either tell that person or the group that we should pray for them. A lot of times it would not be appropriate for a random person to just tell you that they will pray for you unless you ask them to. It's kind of an implicit way of saying "I'm pointing out your flaws right now but I'm going to present it under the guise of me caring about you and trying to help you". Not too many people are open to unsolicited help from others like that.
Another issue that can occur is when members of the group speak theoretically about things that other people might be doing. For example they might derisively talk about people who are divorced or struggle with various sins or other such issues. It could even be things that are not necessarily sinful in and of themselves such as a couple that is childless. Sometimes people in the group will speak about these things in a theoretical way not realizing that perhaps somebody in the vicinity falls in one of those categories. That person would feel extremely judged and uncomfortable and perhaps would not say anything and so it would be assumed that nobody is in those categories and that it would be fine to talk about them.
This is a realization I had myself. I was helping lead a course and before we had begun I started talking about other people and how they may lead lives of immorality in some ways and how they may not be well-versed in Christianity and so on. However after I had said these, someone mentioned something about people waiting beyond their early twenties to marry and how people should marry young and things like that. But I myself wasn't in this category and so I felt like I was being somewhat rejected. Obviously the person talking about this didn't mean to target me in any way and didn't know when I married but the feeling was still there.
One of the reasons I don't like to be around many of the people in these groups is because of the feeling that you have to be almost perfect in order to be accepted. You have to check a lot of boxes in order to be a part of that group. They seem to forget that the church is a place that sinners go to be purified and made holy. One of the marks of the church is that it is Holy and the reason it is Holy is because it is the bride of Christ and that Christ is the head of the church and we are the body of Christ. The church is not holy because of us, it's holy because of Christ. Therefore we should not boast or feel that we are superior in some way.
I cannot confirm for certain but I know that many of the people who would not fall into the traditional categories I mentioned no longer attend any group meetings or events. Although sometimes these people are invited, in some cases there isn't even an invitation. Again I think much of it has to do with the idea that people who happen to not be living completely outwardly virtuous lives are seen as evil rather than as people who may be struggling with certain things or facing issues. There's also a great deal of unearned judgment that occurs. People who may know absolutely nothing about a particular situation will still judge the people as perhaps wanting those scenarios. Again, for example, if there is a childless couple they will assume that they have rejected children and and that they are violating tenets of the Catholic faith. But in actuality it's quite possible that despite their attempts they have not been able to conceive and give birth to a child.
I realized that I may have been doing much of the same things myself in many ways. I will now try to make more of an effort to be careful about the things that I say. If I ever feel the need to condemn or be negative about a particular aspect of things that people do I will always try to come at it from the perspective of being compassionate and actually caring about that person rather than seeing them as some part of an evil force that's trying to attack us and that I must condemn. There could be many ways to accomplish this.
Here are some ideas when speaking to others:
- Speak not just of the sin, but of the opposite virtue
- Speak as though people are "struggling" with various things as opposed to just talking about them as though they are evil individuals.
- Perhaps admit your own failings to show you are not coming from a place of pride.
- Don't offer to pray for an issue you may perceive someone as having unless they explicitly as you to.
- Have patience and listen to people, get to know them. Don't use various litmus test to determine their level of orthodoxy.
These are just ideas I thought of. If you have more, please feel free to share in the comments.
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